My POV: Struggles Of A Biracial Person

You Malay or Chinese ah? That’s the question I often get when I meet people for the first time. I would easily answer that I’m half Chinese-Malay. Interestingly, there are times when I’m asked: Are you more Malay or Chinese? I find myself struggling to answer this question…

Does more refer to practising one culture more? Or does it refer to speaking the language or having more friends of that race? Whatever it may mean, I constantly feel like I am caught in between the gaps of my two cultures rather than fully embraced by either.

And here’s why:

Living with Stereotypes and Assumptions

Everyone knows that one’s appearance makes the first impression. People tend to assume your race solely based on physical features, such as skin tone, eye shape, or hair texture. These assumptions can form certain stereotypes about your race. 

Here’s a little story I recall…

During my primary school days, I was more fair-skinned and my eyes were smaller.

Photograph of 7-year-old Nurin

This led to many of my classmates assuming that I am fully Chinese. Because of this factor, I recall the hurtful remarks like, “She cannot speak Bahasa Melayu, so she’s not Malay,” from my Malay classmates back then.

At that young age, it felt like I was left out by one of my races, I thought I would be able to fit in with my other. Lo and behold, I was also excluded by my Chinese classmates because I couldn’t speak Mandarin as fluently as them.

As a child, being constantly left out and having to explain my mixed-race to make friends was exhausting (yes, it also hurt my feelings like crazy).

Fast forward to today, I’m older, matured more, but racial stereotypes still affect me in different ways. Although I tell people that I am half Chinese-Malay, many still treat me based on which race I physically resemble more.

Managing Food Choices

As a biracial person, you might think that I have the best of both worlds when it comes to food, right? Well, that is true to an extent, but it’s not always that simple.

For instance, I cannot consume traditional Chinese dishes like Bak Kut Teh, or join my Chinese friends for a Hai Di Lao hotpot dinner due to my halal dietary restrictions. Sometimes, this would also cause confusion between my friends, work colleagues, and even my relatives. I’d get asked questions like, “Wait, aren’t you half-Chinese? Why can’t you eat this?” It felt as though my Chinese identity could only be validated if I ate every Chinese dish.

Hai Di Lao Image by EATBOOK

Even though halal versions of these dishes are available, they aren’t always easy to find, and some might argue that they don’t taste authentic.

I’m still trying to find appropriate food choices. More recently, I tried a halal Hai Di Lao-style hotpot restaurant called HaHa Hotpot. This hotpot is currently the only halal Chinese hotpot restaurant that is similar to Hai Di Lao, but it has only two outlets in Singapore, making it inaccessible. The variety of soup bases and ingredients is also limited, and while the flavours are good, some Chinese customers commented that the richness of the soups doesn’t match to Hai Di Lao’s. However, while it may not be a perfect replica of Hai Di Lao, I do appreciate the fact that I now have the option of eating Chinese hotpot.

My Experience at HaHa Hotpot

On the other hand, whenever I go to the hawker centre with my Malay friends or relatives and choose to buy lighter dishes like Fish Ball Noodle Soup instead of Nasi Padang, I also get asked, “Does Chinese food taste better?”

It sucks that something as simple as food choices can make me question my connection to both of my cultures.

Social Identity Crisis

As someone who identifies as a Chinese-Malay, it’s difficult being in a country where people feel obliged to check one of the three majority monoracial boxes (Chinese, Malay, and Indian). I feel conflicted whenever a survey asks me to state my race and there are only monoracial options. Why? Because I realise my identification always changes in different contexts — with a group of Chinese friends, I feel like the token brown friend, but with a group of Malay friends, I feel like the “Chinese one”.

Although these are two very different clusters, there is one common feeling that I can’t escape no matter which group I am in: the feeling of not being enough. I always had to prove my identity in these groups, whether it meant speaking the language fluently or possessing a certain attitude. I want to belong to both communities, but I’m always left feeling like I belong to neither.

However, over time, I realised how ironic it was for me to want to check a single box when it came to my race or identity. I shouldn’t have to fit into one category when my existence is a beautiful blend of two rich cultures!

While I may still lie in the middle of these two monoracial cultures, I’ve found solace in the fact that my identity is fluid and unique. And I’ll certainly cheers to embracing myself!